Alcoholism/Relationships

• 09-21-2009 11:20 AM

  ColleenC Joined on 07-26-2006 Posts 1,604 Points 5

  Alcoholism/Relationships Reply Contact I dated Tommy for about a year and we decided to be just friends about a year ago. We are about as close as we can get. I rent his double wide and he has a mobile home on the same property. I am also very close with his family who lives next door and behind my house. I wouldn't change that situation for anything. I don't have any intentions of being with Tommy again, but I hate to see him set himself up for failure. He is an alcoholic...no doubt. Nothing I can do to change that...he has to learn on his own. Basically, what I think it comes down to...and all his friends and family agree with this, is that he is scared to make it work. He got very close to me and still cares very much, but he can't do that. That would be too easy! So, he goes out with girls that are nothing but trouble. Slutty, drug addicts/alcoholics. I don't really care who he wants to go out with. If all he wants is someone to sleep with/drink with...thats what he can have, but he will lose other things in his life that way (his daughter). I just hate to see him get hurt. I don't think I am really looking for advice as there is NOTHING I can do...he has to do it on his own. But it would make me feel better to hear others experiences with this type of situation.

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• 09-21-2009 11:32 AM

  In reply to ColleenC

  cakana Joined on 09-10-2007 Cathy in Northern CA Posts 9,458 Points 435

  Re: Alcoholism/Relationships Reply Contact I was involved with an alcoholic for a few years. My dad was also an alcoholic and I'd gone to Alateen starting at age 13. You'd think with my background I'd have run for the hills before I'd have gotten involved with another one, but apparently I had unfinished business of my own. Anyway, it can be quite shocking to watch someone live a lifestyle that destroys everything they care about. My dad was a high-functioning alcoholic but the guy I dated was not. He had nothing. He filed for bankruptcy after we split up and took our breakup very hard, but I am quite certain that he's still drinking to excess and probably has lost a lot more along the way. It's like watching a train wreck. You want to do something, anything, to stop it but you're truly powerless. Accepting that we're powerless over their disease can be very difficult but it is the key to our own survival. I'm glad you've stepped away and I hope your friend is able to get the help he needs someday. ~ Cathy ~

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• 09-21-2009 11:45 AM

  In reply to cakana

  Liesje Joined on 03-02-2007 Posts 9,911 Points 655

  Re: Alcoholism/Relationships Reply Contact I think you are powerless in the sense that ultimately it's his decision to address the disease or not, but honestly I don't know any alcoholics that actually did this with sucess on their own without any sort of intervention.  I think being involved with an addict is sort of an "all or nothing" commitment.  Either you agree to accept the addiction, or you don't and cut off ties until that person is clean.  I think help should be offered but only when the person is committed to coming clean, because if not then "help" generally becomes "enabling" and the addict is treating you like a doormat.  I have two uncle's on my dad's side that are acoholics and even though my parents are not, that is close enough for me to avoid all drinking save for a margarita or frozen lemonade drink once a month.  By nature I am not a very patient person, I simply will not sit by and allow someone to self destruct or engage in any behavior that might push me along the same path if it's something that runs in families.  My family tried an intervention with one of my uncle's and it didn't work, but go figure they still invite him to family gatherings, help him with this or that, etc.  Maybe it is harsh, but to me he is more like an acquaintance than family.  I keep my distance for a reason and maybe that makes me a stone cold bitch but until he shows us that *he* is the one with the problem and wants to get help then he can stay out of my life. I had a similar experience involving anorexia.  I knew this girl, and was closer friends with some of her friends, and the way that they "helped" her (by basically defending her, trying to be all hush-hush, not hurt her feelings etc) made me lose a lot of respect for them and not want to be friends.  Being nice doesn't save someone's life, unfortunately.  It went on for so long she was literally a pound or two between life and death, and one of her best friends came to me and said she wanted to move out and move in with me because her friend was doing nothing to address her anorexia and was refusing help and it would not be on her watch that she had a heart attack and died.  If this anorexic person had been under 18 years old I would have called protective services because her family's denial was IMO downright neglect. http://vankelderdogs.dutchbingo.net http://www.schhmi.com

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• 09-21-2009 11:56 AM

  In reply to cakana

  ColleenC Joined on 07-26-2006 Posts 1,604 Points 5

  Re: Alcoholism/Relationships Reply Contact My mother is a recovering alcoholic and has been sober for a long time. My dad drinks, but not in excess (at least not that I am around or know of). I love Tommy to death and would do anything I could to help him. But, there is only so much I can do. I always let him know that I am here if he needs me (which ends up being a lot). He tells me a lot that he can't/won't tell others. He is a very good person and he would do anything for me, but he has a problem. I admit that it is a little hard for me to see him with other girls because of our past, but I don't want to be in a relationship with him in that way because of the drinking problem. I know that he will never have a healthy relationship until he gets healthy himself. I truly understand how his mom and sister feel. We hate to see him do this to himself, but we can't help him. His dad is an idiot who encourages his behavior and then calls us (me, mom, sister) and says how Tommy did all these stupid things and of course he(his dad) is an angel. Next time he calls me and tells me that, I won't be very nice with my reply. Thanks for letting me vent my frustration! It really helps.

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• 09-21-2009 1:19 PM

  In reply to ColleenC

  Liesje Joined on 03-02-2007 Posts 9,911 Points 655	Re: Alcoholism/Relationships Reply Contact ColleenC: I know that he will never have a healthy relationship until he gets healthy himself.   I think you are so right, it may be hard, but you are right. http://vankelderdogs.dutchbingo.net http://www.schhmi.com
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• 09-21-2009 1:36 PM

  In reply to Liesje

  sharismom Joined on 09-10-2007 mid-Michigan Posts 3,205 Points 30

  Re: Alcoholism/Relationships Reply Contact You can hate the disease but still love the person.  The truth is that until the addict hits bottom, there is truly nothing you can do.  Calling the person out or attempting an intervention is a weak attempt at control and forcing the addict to do what we want, which, if it ever worked, there would be no need for AA or Al-Anon, or NA or Narc-Anon, etc.  You may hit your bottom, but that is not the addict's bottom.  You do not need to put yourself in situations that make you feel uncomfortable where alcohol or drugs are involved.  It is very painful to watch someone destroy himself, but something very helpful to remember are the 3 Cs:  didn't Cause, can't Control, can't Cure.  And, my use of the word "you" is a general "you". Tina

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• 09-21-2009 1:57 PM

  In reply to sharismom

  cakana Joined on 09-10-2007 Cathy in Northern CA Posts 9,458 Points 435

  Re: Alcoholism/Relationships Reply Contact I think it's also REALLY important to understand that an alcoholic will always be an alcoholic. They may go into recovery but they will always have to potential to start drinking again. I quit my job here, packed everything and moved to Georgia because I trusted that now that he was in AA and maintaining his sobriety, things would be okay. I'd only been there 3 months when he decided to get drunk. He then decided that he wasn't an alcoholic because he'd managed to not drink for a few months and wasn't going to attend any more meetings. He came drunk again a few weeks later and 2 wks later I packed and moved back here. It was a painful lesson to learn but I'm glad I got out when I did. That was 12 years ago and I still get VM and text msgs from him and it's clear he's drunk each time. ~ Cathy ~

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• 09-21-2009 4:12 PM

  In reply to cakana

  ColleenC Joined on 07-26-2006 Posts 1,604 Points 5

  Re: Alcoholism/Relationships Reply Contact There is no way he could ever be a "casual" drinker. Its either all or nothing. I try to tell this to his mom, but she thinks he can have one or two drinks and be ok...nope, one or two leads to a dozen. In my brain, everything is reasonable. I tell his mom, "I wish he would just hit bottom already so he can get it over with." He met a girl at a biker rally (great place to meet good girls) this weekend, and hes driving 2 hours to see her next weekend...stupid! But, his choice. If he wants to waste his money on driving to see a slutty girl, then so be it. I really just pray that he doesn't end up screwing up and missing his time to pick up his daughter next weekend. I try to not let this stuff get to me, but it hurts to see such a good person make such bad decisions. I'm going to be brave and admit that I have let it get to me a little. I get so down about it. I have blown off a perfectly good guy because I didn't want to not be there if Tommy needed me. This guy has been asking me out for months (I've known him since 7th grade and just recently he contacted me again). I think I at least owe him one dinner since he has been nothing but nice to me and I've been a female dog. I have to quit worrying about what other people might think of me and do what I know is right.

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• 09-21-2009 4:29 PM

  In reply to ColleenC

  sharismom Joined on 09-10-2007 mid-Michigan Posts 3,205 Points 30

  Re: Alcoholism/Relationships Reply Contact Colleen, I understand you want to help your friend, but he does not want your help at this point.  Live your own life - that is all you can do.  Find an Al-Anon meeting and give it a chance.  It will help teach you how to live your own life.  Being a co-dependent caretaker myself, I can tell you that you will drive yourself insane waiting for him.  Give Al-Anon at least 6 meetings before you decide whether it's for you or not.  Really, it is not selfish to take care of yourself.  You can still love the person, but don't wait for him or you will miss out on a lot in your life, and frankly, he won't give two hoots if you do.  You are enabling him in a passive way.  Take care of yourself, the rest will come. Tina

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• 09-22-2009 9:51 AM

  In reply to sharismom

  ColleenC Joined on 07-26-2006 Posts 1,604 Points 5

  Re: Alcoholism/Relationships Reply Contact It is up to him to decide when he wants to get better. I can't make him do it (although it would be nice!). He is head over heels for this girl. Yes, it is hard for me to watch because I do get a little jealous even though I don't want that kind of a relationship with him, but then I remind myself that if he was a healthy person, then he would be able to choose the healthy relationship. He doesn't make these choices to hurt me or the rest of his family, but because emotionally, he is not capable of making the smart choices. In many ways, he is still on the emotional level of a teenage boy. He wants the "hot" girl to show off to his friends. And his dad will say any hot girl is "a good one, so don't run her off." I don't want to be any more than friends with him. I basically consider him family. I think my biggest problem is that I am afraid to make him mad at me. I don't do anything to make him mad, and he never has been mad. He tells me "I can't be mad at you because then I would explode! I would have no one to tell my feelings to!" I guess I just need to quit worrying. If he hasn't gotten mad yet, he probably won't. And if he does, I won't be the first family member he gets mad at. And he always gets over it!

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