dog attacked family member---what to do for her? Help please...

• 10-11-2008 8:10 AM

  polarexpress Joined on 02-14-2007 Posts 716 Points 35

  dog attacked family member---what to do for her? Help please... Reply Contact Two weeks ago, my relative "Sue" (who I love like a sister) was badly bitten on the face by her 10 year old dog. He ripped off her upper lip and tore up the side of her face and jaw. She will need months of plastic surgery to repair her face and the nerve damage may be permanent. Sue found the dog abandoned at a campground at about nine months of age and brought him home. She is in a lot of physical pain but the emotional pain is the worst. Her parents had him euthanised while she was in the hospital. Sue knew about it and agreed to it at the time but now she is torn up with guilt. The dog had had been acting grouchy and difficult with the other dog in the house and she thinks that he was sick and that's why he attacked her. The vet found a lump that looked suspcious and so now she's wondering if the dog had cancer or something and she missed it. Sue is seriously depressed. She feels like she didn't take good enough care of her dog and that this is all her fault.  I need ideas to help her through this. Anyone? I was thinking of donating in the dog's name to a rescue---any reactions to that? Honoring the dog's memory may seem crazy to some (like her parents), but this dog was her best buddy for many years. I think there must have been something horribly wrong for him to have snapped like that. Any ideas, good thoughts are welcome. Thanks. The difference between the almost right word & the right word is really a large matter--it's the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning. - Mark Twain, 10/15/1888

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• 10-11-2008 8:28 AM

  In reply to polarexpress

  sillysally Joined on 09-10-2007 Indiana Posts 3,826 Points 45

  Re: dog attacked family member---what to do for her? Help please... Reply Contact Oh how awful for her!  I'm so sorry.  My first thought was perhaps arthritis.  Many dogs are very sensitive to joint pain and it is something that can easily be missed in older dogs.... I'm not sure if this would be overstepping your bounds, but I think it might be good to have a talk with her parents.  Explain that while they may not understand it, her heart is truly broken over the loss of this dog and it would be good to keep this in mind whenever the subject of the dog comes up.  If they want to help her they should be supportive of her in her grief and not make negative comments about the dog around her.  In other words, it would be best if they adhered to the "Thumper Rule"--if they can't say anything nice about him then they shouldn't say anything at all. I think that making donations to rescue in his name would be a fabulous idea--especially since he was essentially a rescue himself....  ~Christina~ Sally the Pibble Mix Jack the Lab "Fifteen men on the dead man's chest- Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum!"

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• 10-11-2008 10:43 AM

  In reply to polarexpress

  Monroe-Magee Joined on 03-18-2008 Bloomington, MN Posts 24 Points 0	Re: dog attacked family member---what to do for her? Help please... Reply Contact I would have to agree, I can not imange the pain that she is going through having to put her firend down. Her parents need to understand that the decision to put down the dog at the time did not effect her, but after time is would be a great loss in her life.   As for the donation, I think it would be a great idea.
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• 10-11-2008 10:47 AM

  In reply to polarexpress

  BCMixs Joined on 01-10-2008 Virginia Posts 1,761 Points 30	Re: dog attacked family member---what to do for her? Help please... Reply Contact Poor things, both of them.  The not knowing must really be tearing her up.  If there was an explanation, it might have made things easier to process.  I think the donation to a shelter is a great idea.  I hope she has an uncomplicated recovery.  What a tragic story.
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• 10-11-2008 10:55 AM

  In reply to polarexpress

  rwbeagles Joined on 09-10-2007 DFW, TX Posts 18,381 Points 2,300	Re: dog attacked family member---what to do for her? Help please... Reply Contact Establishing a "fund" with a Beagle rescue was immensely helpful for us when our dear baby puppy Hero passed away. I think it is a wonderful idea. "I'm not looking for absolution, forgiveness for the things I do.."-Walking In My Shoes, Depeche Mode My blog: ryngwrayth.blogspot.com/
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• 10-11-2008 11:52 AM

  In reply to Monroe-Magee

  polarexpress Joined on 02-14-2007 Posts 716 Points 35

  Re: dog attacked family member---what to do for her? Help please... Reply Contact Monroe-Magee: Her parents need to understand that the decision to put down the dog at the time did not effect her, but after time is would be a great loss in her life.    I think you nailed the issue: time. Her parents have been as supportive as they can, but the fact that she is so depressed NOW as opposed to the day after it happend is confusing to them. Plus they can understand the grief, but don't understand WHY she feels so guilty and so they tend to blame the dog---and then she blames herself even more. When this happened, Sue owned two dogs that she had found abandoned. She has also taken in a couple of dogs and then re-homed them. I thought a donation would help her because she could see some positive thing coming out of this....and it sounds like you guys agree. Thanks. The difference between the almost right word & the right word is really a large matter--it's the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning. - Mark Twain, 10/15/1888

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• 10-11-2008 11:54 AM

  In reply to polarexpress

  janet_rose Joined on 09-10-2007 DFW area, Texas Posts 3,941 Points 330

  Re: dog attacked family member---what to do for her? Help please... Reply Contact polarexpress: Two weeks ago, my relative "Sue" (who I love like a sister) was badly bitten on the face by her 10 year old dog. Sue has my condolences for both for her injuries and the loss of her pet.  Her parents need to understand that Sue's grief comes close to that of a parent whose child goes crazy, stabs the parent, and is shot by the police.  Sue's parents probably feel only anger toward the dog, but their anger will not help Sue.  They need to develop the mindset that the dog was their "granddog" in order to relate to Sue's grief. polarexpress: Honoring the dog's memory may seem crazy to some (like her parents), but this dog was her best buddy for many years. Some kind of memorial is definitely in order.  It honors the years of friendship and love that Sue and her dog shared.  Sue didn't get a chance to say goodbye and she needs to do that. polarexpress: Sue is seriously depressed. She feels like she didn't take good enough care of her dog and that this is all her fault.  I need ideas to help her through this. Anyone? I don't doubt for a minute that the dog was seriously ill and probably in pain.  Unfortunately they can't explain to us how they feel and it can be very difficult to tell the difference between serious illness and the problems of aging.  My dad could talk and we still didn't know he had prostate cancer until he was stage 4 (terminal), so even better communication doesn't always help. There are so many illnesses that effect the mind.  Some develop slowly and some quickly.  Some can be treated (like thyroid problems) and some can't (like many brain tumors).  It was six weeks from the time one of my uncles' lung cancer was detected until the time that the cancer had metastasized, gone to the brain, and killed him. One can drive themselves crazy with the "what if's" of life.  What if we had detected earlier that my very independent father needed his children to manage his health care.  What if my uncle's x-ray had been taken earlier? Sue didn't neglect her dog!  Maybe she missed a sign of illness that a vet would have caught, but she certainly can't be faulted for that.  We can't all be vets, plus there are lots of things that vets can find, but not fix. When Sue is up to reading, here are a couple of good books for her: Sife, Wallace, The Loss of a Pet, 3rd edition, 11/2005,  http://tinyurl.com/yt34zt  (Amazon.com) Blair, Pamela & Noel, Brook, I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye, updated edition, 5/2008,  http://tinyurl.com/3s9xtx  (Amazon.com) The second book is not specifically about pets and there is a workbook companion to it. If you google on "Pet Bereavement" support, you will find lots of sites.  Here are a few: AVMA Pet Loss Support Hotlines http://www.avma.org/careforanimals/animatedjourneys/goodbyefriend/plhotlines.asp Paws2Heaven  http://www.paws2heaven.com/Support_directory.htm Delta Society  http://www.deltasociety.org/AnimalsHealthPetlossHotline.htm Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement http://www.aplb.org/ Lightning Strike Pet Loss Support  http://www.lightning-strike.com/ There are free pet bereavement hotlines and free pet bereavement support groups.  I hope that Sue can find the help she needs. Did the parents have a physical done on the dog before it was put down?  Was there a necropsy?  Does Sue have the ashes, a last picture, some fur, toe nail clippings, collar, etc.?

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• 10-11-2008 12:37 PM

  In reply to polarexpress

  janet_rose Joined on 09-10-2007 DFW area, Texas Posts 3,941 Points 330

  Re: dog attacked family member---what to do for her? Help please... Reply Contact polarexpress: I think you nailed the issue: time. Her parents have been as supportive as they can, but the fact that she is so depressed NOW as opposed to the day after it happend is confusing to them. Right after it happened she was drugged and in shock.  The shock has worn off and now Sue is trying to answer the question of "Why?"  Unfortunately there is no good answer to that question. polarexpress: Plus they can understand the grief, but don't understand WHY she feels so guilty and so they tend to blame the dog---and then she blames herself even more.  No, they do not understand her grief.  Sue can't (and shouldn't) believe that the dog no longer loved her.  If the dog loved her, then it had to be sick to have attacked.  If he was sick, then maybe it was an illness that she should have picked up on.  Maybe she would still have her pet if she had taken him to the vet.  Maybe her face wouldn't have been damaged. In their anger, the parents actually made things worse for Sue, but Sue loves them to much to blame them for putting the dog down so quickly.  Who else does she have to blame except herself? If the dog had been given a full physical (muzzled, of course) and quarantined for 10-days, Sue would have had a chance to find out if he could have been helped.  She would have had a chance to say goodbye and to hold him if he needed to go to the bridge. Sue is grieving for her dog, but she is also grieving over her appearance and the effect the scars may have on her life.  My guess is that she is also grieving over a loss of innocence.  Before this has she ever lost a pet or person she loved?  Did she have any significant scars or physical impairments?  Did she have any reason to think that men might not think she was attractive?  Did she have any reason to doubt her ability to eventually care for a baby that can't talk any better than a dog?  Sue's confidence in herself is badly shaken right now on multiple levels.

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• 10-11-2008 2:31 PM

  In reply to janet_rose

  DumDog Joined on 04-02-2007 North Florida Posts 4,788 Points 230

  Re: dog attacked family member---what to do for her? Help please... Reply Contact   janet_rose: I don't doubt for a minute that the dog was seriously ill and probably in pain.  Unfortunately they can't explain to us how they feel and it can be very difficult to tell the difference between serious illness and the problems of aging.  My dad could talk and we still didn't know he had prostate cancer until he was stage 4 (terminal), so even better communication doesn't always help. There are so many illnesses that effect the mind.  Some develop slowly and some quickly.  Some can be treated (like thyroid problems) and some can't (like many brain tumors).  It was six weeks from the time one of my uncles' lung cancer was detected until the time that the cancer had metastasized, gone to the brain, and killed him. One can drive themselves crazy with the "what if's" of life.  What if we had detected earlier that my very independent father needed his children to manage his health care.  What if my uncle's x-ray had been taken earlier? Sue didn't neglect her dog!  Maybe she missed a sign of illness that a vet would have caught, but she certainly can't be faulted for that.  We can't all be vets, plus there are lots of things that vets can find, but not fix. all of that and more. you should read this thread to her and maybe she wont feel as guilty as if she neglected her dog. i went through the "what-if" crap when Kaydee got hurt. I ALMOST took her with me the day she became paralyzed, and I ALMOST staid home that day anyway..... Would it have made a difference? Probably not. She didnt have any crush injuries to indicate being hit. even though the X-rays showed a herniated disk that was ALL it showed.... and only after she was paralyzed. She likely hurt herself while playing with another dog much larger than herself. they were both bulldogs and they play as rough bulls... they also hide pain really really well too! so does that mean i should never allow my dogs to play with others? the nature of her injury could have come from something in her past before i ever met her and the rough play finally broke it, OR it could have happened that night. who knows? it will always be a mystery because i wasnt home.... No... i was at a dog show with my cousin and her own dog, a puppy at the time that needed to socialising... which is why he went instead of Kaydee. She already knew how to behave in public and he didnt..... and it was all for nowt because the socialising was never kept up with and Bo had to be rehomed for attacking another dog in his apartment complex... if i had just stayed home instead maybe i could have prevented it or i could have at least seen what happened to cause it. at the end of the day its a waste of time to think about it. instead i got proactive and figured out a way to make sure it could never happen again. Things happen so fast that all you can do is react in the moment. the difference between people and animals is we tend to go back to those moments and regret our actions, where as animals just move on.  Thats not to say a situation hasnt changed them for the rest of their lives. surely they learn a lot from it, but have you ever seen a horse beating himself up with guilt and crying because he threw his rider when a bird spooked him.... I'm not saying she needs to forget it ever happened or even attempt to forget. but she can take this with her the rest of her life as a lesson that good dogs dont bite without good reason and that it was NOT her fault and it will never be her fault.

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• 10-11-2008 3:09 PM

  In reply to DumDog

  huskymom Joined on 09-10-2007 Thunder Bay ON Posts 7,536 Points 630

  Re: dog attacked family member---what to do for her? Help please... Reply Contact  I want to reply to this thread, even though my situation was quite different from this one.  First off, I didn't get bit, Kali, my 1 year old at the time did.  Secondly, Crusher is still with us.  He almost wasn't though.  I very nearly gave him up.  I left him crated that whole night, and most of the next morning because I was completely terrified that I would hate him when I looked at him again.  He didn't complain once.  And when I opened that crate and he slowly walked out and licked my face, I cried like a baby.  Then the guilt set in.  I hadn't protected Kali from him, nor had I protected him from Kali.  I had an inkling that things could go wrong, but I didn't do enough to instill that in Tyler.  So what happened was my fault just as much as his.  None of it was Crusher's or Kali's.  But I think I'm the only one that understands that fully.  Certainly my parents don't.  Sue never got that chance to forgive him.  She never got the chance to evaluate what had happened.  Things simply happened too fast while she was in a state, drugged and in shock, when she was incapable of evaluating things.  Dogs do get grumpy with each other once in awhile.  It isn't necessarily a symptom of anything.  So going after her, may have been the first symptom Sue's dog showed on a grand scale.  Sure there may have been other symptoms, but there may not have been, and as Gin said, "At the end of the day it's a waste of time thinking about it." I always try to find something positive about things.  This one is tough, because it was so very tragic, but if anything, I'm sure she will be a better dog owner after this.  Nothing will go unnoticed again. Please send along my condolences and my best healing vibes as well. Candace

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• 10-11-2008 6:12 PM

  In reply to huskymom

  polarexpress Joined on 02-14-2007 Posts 716 Points 35

  Re: dog attacked family member---what to do for her? Help please... Reply Contact Thanks for the good thoughts and suggestions. I was on the phone with Sue for a while and we did a lot of crying. I think I was able to help her, but it is going to be a slow process. I made a donation to a rescue, and I chose to help one special needs dog in particular.  When I told her about the dog she was really quiet for about a minute. She had a nickname for her dog (that I didn't know about) and this rescue dog has the same name. I think the donation made her feel better, but having that dog have the same name was like a sign or something... SOMETHING THAT MADE ME VERY ANGRY: Someone at the vet's office told Sue's parents that SUE triggered the attack by leaning over the dog----which BTW was on her LAP at the time. This was a lap dog in every sense of the word! He was on her lap and under her face EVERY day and the only thing she ever triggered was an attack of wiggle butt and kisses. I am furious that anyone would pass this off as a "normal defensive reaction." WTF! And why say this to her parents??? What possible good would this do? Thankfully Sue isn't buying into this crap and feeling worse. Bad enough her dog was euthanised and she's looking at about a year of surgeries and some permanent nerve damage, but to have someone say that this was a normal reaction and she provoked him! DumDog: Things happen so fast that all you can do is react in the moment. the difference between people and animals is we tend to go back to those moments and regret our actions, where as animals just move on.  Thats not to say a situation hasnt changed them for the rest of their lives. surely they learn a lot from it, but have you ever seen a horse beating himself up with guilt and crying because he threw his rider when a bird spooked him.... I'm not saying she needs to forget it ever happened or even attempt to forget. but she can take this with her the rest of her life as a lesson that good dogs dont bite without good reason and that it was NOT her fault and it will never be her fault. I'm going to read this paragraph to her the next time we talk. Thanks all.  The difference between the almost right word & the right word is really a large matter--it's the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning. - Mark Twain, 10/15/1888

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• 10-12-2008 1:04 PM

  In reply to polarexpress

  Cita Joined on 12-13-2006 CT Posts 5,628 Points 850

  Re: dog attacked family member---what to do for her? Help please... Reply Contact  Another thing that might help her - if he WAS sick and in pain at the time, euthanasia might have been merciful for him. If he was in pain, and grouchy, and just generally unhappy... a humane euthanasia spared him further suffering and let him move on to a better place. Certainly Sue would have wanted the circumstances to be different, but even after a full medical exam, there is a decent chance that the end outcome would have been the same.

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• 10-12-2008 1:16 PM

  In reply to polarexpress

  DumDog Joined on 04-02-2007 North Florida Posts 4,788 Points 230	Re: dog attacked family member---what to do for her? Help please... Reply Contact  you know i could see it being a normal reaction provoked from being leaned over .. IF .. the dog had been with her for a short while.. but not a dog she's lived with for TEN YEARS!
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• 10-12-2008 1:28 PM

  In reply to DumDog

  janetmichel3009 Joined on 11-28-2006 Beijing, China Posts 3,156 Points 360	Re: dog attacked family member---what to do for her? Help please... Reply Contact i'm very sorry to hear about sue and her dog! my thoughts are with her! i cannot imagine what she must be going through! Janet
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• 10-13-2008 11:24 AM

  In reply to janetmichel3009

  JackieG Joined on 04-15-2008 Central Texas Posts 5,927 Points 710	Re: dog attacked family member---what to do for her? Help please... Reply Contact What a tragedy.  Please give my deepest sympathy to your friend for both her injuries and the loss of her dog.  Can't imagine what she must be feeling about the whole terrible event. Healing vibes are being sent her way.
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